Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
tell em, edith-anne
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Finally, an explanation.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.