[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
oh u like geography? name every lake
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.