Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Spring of Deception
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…