cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat