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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.