Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
how high up are we talkin’?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.