I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*