Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.