it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.