I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.