Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?