Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*