Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.