I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.