“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.