casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne