asked my bf how work was today
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
greetings!
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please