For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?