graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My life coach traded me.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The glory of fall.