My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.