2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.