If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
*aggressively waits in line*
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
That’s incredible! 👌
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Care for your back
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.