Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.