I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.