nothing saves money like being antisocial
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…