we did it you guys we saved daylight
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.