“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶