I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I’d hang this in my house.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…