[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Dead sexy!!
My biological clock is wheezing.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Cndnsd Mlk
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor