My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
What’s so funny?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.