Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Bless you
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy