Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
#CoronaOutbreak
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.