I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
How to wake up a Beagle
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long