Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.