humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
BETRAYAL
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.