Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.