Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.