getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.