WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
From Facebook just now…
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.