Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
You Might Also Like
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
#titanic
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
🙂🙃🥹
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you