Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat