Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.