kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
yea so i messed up lol
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.