Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.