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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m too immature for adultery.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My wife gives the best headache.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.