A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.