*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin