Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*