My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.