“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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Try and stop me.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Yup.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it